I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
