Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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