The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
