Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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