Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
