you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
