Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
