Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
