Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
