mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
