dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
