the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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