sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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