I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
