just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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