He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
As shirtless as possible
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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