Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
