I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
