If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
