she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
