Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
