Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
