I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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