Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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