Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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