cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
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sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
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We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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