so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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