Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
