I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
