Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
