Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
