you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
