I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
