Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
