We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
