We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
