They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We need to rekindle our bromance
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
