one two three fourrrrnication!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
