I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
