What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
