Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
