I puked a lego.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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