yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
