matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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