the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
