She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
