You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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