I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
