You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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