I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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