My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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