i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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