Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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