wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
