please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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