i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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