I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
